He's no softie when it comes to hardwood

My timing could definitely use a little work. Waaaaaaaay back last year before we dug into ProjectHouseFromHell, before we set up camp in the Motel 6, and when we were still lounging in the familiar comforts of our dear old house, H came dancing home with exciting news. H actually used to dance, talk, eat, smile, laugh, and sleep before this past year. He has done none of the above since August 2004. ANYWAY, H was all excited and just could not wait to tell me the good news. The good news was that his contact in the flooring industry had given him the *inside scoop* that Brazilian Cherry flooring could be purchased, for just a short time, at less than the cost of oak flooring. Now I know all of you non-flooring-followers will pish-posh this as trivial. “Who the hell cares!?, you yell, “flooring is flooring is flooring!” Ya, I used to be that way too. Until I was enlightened with the benefits and beauty of The Brazilian Cherry. Brazilian Cherry is all the rage now, I guess. I had not been reading up on my latest issues of Metropolitan Home and Modern House at that point. Martha Stewart was in jail for pete’s sake! The jist, actually, of H’s excitement, was that we could save a wad of cash on really nice flooring if we purchased in *the time frame*. The *time frame* being the next day. Due to my *somewhat* pessimistic nature, H knew he had to perform a doosie of a sales job on me since we had not even put our house up for sale, much less dug a hole for a new place. Certainly, we didn’t need flooring quite yet. I felt like I was in some kind of drug deal but nonetheless, I agreed to purchase an amount of The Brazilian Cherry with the promise that if everything fell through, H would pawn the stuff and buy me a Brazilian Cherry-valued horse.

A few months ago, a coworker told me she had met someone in the area who does woodworking. Apparently, this guy is retired and makes things out of pieces of scrap wood flooring. When my coworker met him, he showed her this beautiful set of wooden salad tongs he had made out of none other than, Brazilian Cherry. My coworker asked if she could have a couple of pieces of our Brazilian Cherry so she could have a set of salad tongs made by Retired Woodworker Guy. She offered to have some made for me as well if I could get the wood for her. I thought, “What the hell…sounds kind of interesting!”

Here’s where my bad timing comes in… This past week, H began to lay the Brazilian Cherry floor in ProjectHouseFromHell. Ever particular in his work, he was going to put down the most perfect and beautiful floor ever known to men with hardwood floors. In order perform this highly skilled feat, he took a week off work and labored from the wee early morning hours to waaaaaay past our bedtime. He was not eating, not sleeping, not shaving, and not conversing. Let’s just say he was a man consumed by Brazilian Cherry. One evening, I was out at *the job site* throwing food scraps to him as he nailed and hammered when I suddenly remembered the salad tongs. I have a knack for forgetting things and, when I remember them, I eagerly tell the nearest soul before I forget all about the things again. I politely and cheerfully said, “Hey, would you be able to give me some of the scrap wood flooring so I can have some salad tongs made?” He looked at me like I had just stepped out of my alien capsule and had spoken in an unrecognizable tongue. “You know,” I said, “salad tongs…out of Brazilian Cherry!” I smiled. His drawn face showed only irritation, fatigue and confusion.

“WHAT THE HELL WILL WE DO WITH BRAZILIAN CHERRY SALAD TONGS MADE OUT OF THIS FLOOR? WOMAN, ARE YOU MAD???”